Who or what do you let pull your strings?
Out of the dozens (maybe even hundreds) of people I have talked with over the years, there has been a common theme amongst those who were taking it all in stride. What was that? They were focused on what they could control. They were not allowing themselves to be played by things beyond their control - no one was pulling their strings and making them dance to their tune.
At first glance, I am sure that sometimes life feels like there isn’t much we can control, but there is. Why are we so willing to give up our control to other people, events, and circumstances? Maybe the book entitled, CONTROL FREAK, on my shelf says something about why I do not give in so easily. I used to be the girl that was like the little boat being blown about by every breeze. My moods and actions were driven by whatever was happening around me or whoever was with me. I am grateful that little girl grew up, and only wish she would have done it sooner. I want to share a few ideas for what you can to do to feel more in control. These are 4 ideas I have put into practice - I am not always successful, but I certainly try.
Manage your expectations: Just because the year is past and the calendar has turned does not mean that things will suddenly go back to the way they used to be. I have a bit of fear as I hear people so excited for a new year - as if a different page on the calendar will magically change our lives. We can be positive and look for opportunities without being unrealistic. If one expects life to suddenly get better and it doesn’t, then disappointment sets in. I am not suggesting we be Debbie Downers/ Eeyores/ Doomsdayers. I am suggesting that we balance our optimism with reality and lessen our chances of being deflated when things beyond our control take time to improve.
Choose a word or phrase that helps you focus. For the last 11 or 12 years I have chosen one word to guide my intentions for the new year. It provides me with great focus, and when life begins to swirl around me, I can always go to my word as a reminder of how I want to show up in the world. My word this past year was DISCERNING; others in the running were FINISH, LISTEN, PROGRESS, LIGHT, FAITH, but in the end, it felt like DISCERNING was foundational to all the parts of my life that I want to improve. My thoughts - my finances - the words that come out of my mouth - how I spend my time - the people I choose to have in my life - the books I read, movies I watch, information I ingest. Becoming more discerning is something that I can totally control.
Claim accountability. Can I tell you how tired I am of blaming? It’s a huge waste of energy! Things happen “to us” and we look to see who we can point a finger at. How about if instead of looking who to blame (where we have no control over what others do), we look at ourselves in the mirror and ask “how did I contribute"? There is ALWAYS something we have done to contribute to every circumstance we find ourselves in. Sometimes we have to look deeply to see what our contribution is, but it’s there and we can learn from it. Asking that question is a good use of energy and it puts the focus back on what we can control - our actions, thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, etc.
Own the power of choice. Choice is an incredibly powerful word; even more than a powerful word, it is a powerful principle to understand and embrace. If I truly believe that I have the power to choose, I need to first consider that I have options. Taking the time to explore options is important. As a coach, I often have clients who feel stuck or trapped, which leads to a feeling of powerlessness. I hear them say “I have to” or “I didn’t have any choice”. When I hear those words, I know that they have given up their control to others, and our work begins by recognizing that choice exists.
Over the last few years, we have been touched by a pandemic, political and civil unrest, worldly upheaval that caused unwanted stress and change in our lives. Looking to the future, we can hope that those issues decrease in their impact on our lives. Does that mean that there won’t be other things that create barriers to our best laid plans? NO! There will always be things beyond our control, and the sooner we can realize how much power we truly have as individuals, the sooner we can all weather the storms that life gives to us. Nothing I have said here is easy, and it doesn’t mean that life won’t be challenging at times; What it does mean is that we can focus our energy where it does the most good - on ourselves and how we choose to show up in the world.
